You know what: Just be your fucking self. I’ve been slowly getting back into the world of dating. I have had a couple non-starts. Time invested and lost, but thank goodness before any more of my time was used. At some point you might think, you know maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m not playing the part right… Maybe I’m not being enough of a girl… Maybe I was too bold… Should I have waited before asking him out? But if that’s all the case, I’ll never be the right part, not enough of a girl, will always be too bold, and would have waited around for forever. I’m not here to play a game.
I’ve been told I’m too forward with men. To open and honest, but when has any of that truly been a disservice to me? Never. Who wants someone who can’t deal with them being told, “I like you”. (I’m laughing out loud, that statement is hilarious.) So sure this may mean I’ve knocked out over half of the men I could be dating. I certainly don’t need you, but most importantly in regards to all of this, I don’t want you.
Seriously fuck all of that. If I’m to dim myself, to play meek, to change my opinion, to be less than who I am; how in the hell will this person deal with me at full power? I’m not friends with people who can’t handle me at full power, so why would I ever take on a lover/partner who can’t? If you don’t want to run with the wolves, stay to the edge of the forrest. I am unhindered wilderness. The person I am today did not come into being because I held myself back or because the people who are around me held me back. This is a positive to me that should be appreciated, respected, cherished, loved, but most of all encouraged.
Sometimes you find yourself standing by a bunch of people who aren’t enjoying themselves. Sometimes you are standing by people who don’t know how to have a good time. They don’t understand that everything in their life is a cake walk. And the moment that’s brought you together to enjoy each others company is nothing short of another completely blessed thing in your life; that they are taking for granted. During those moments you find yourself actively separating yourself from those people. So you get a little distance and dance. People who aren’t having fun don’t dance; they stay away. However, people who like having a good time dance. They are attracted to the movement. Dancing is where I meet or connect with people immediately. Dancing is freedom from lots of thought. It’s kind of like motorcycle riding. The great thing is it’s the quickest way to separate yourself from a Debbie Downer. It’s a tactic I use fairly often. I prefer to not be around people who don’t know how to enjoy themselves or have a good time.
A friend recently said, “You know I think you are capable of having a brilliant time almost anywhere. Like in a pit. If you were stuck in a pit. People would be jealous, they missed out on that.”
So the next time you get stuck in a pit, get up and start dancing.
New hair! I’ve had impressively dark green hair for a while now. But Chase thought I should change it up. He suggested going BRIGHT for the spring/summer season. That idea was one I needed to think over. I have been feeling in a rut visually. As in the default look that I reach to is boring, tired. It’s mostly because at work I needed something that would a. be ok to fuck up b. didn’t cost much, so replacing it was not an issue c. would allow be to jump on a table and adjust a light. So needless to say, I became very accustomed to wearing t-shirts and jeans. And my hair kind of went the same way. So I cut bangs, bleached it out and added in a number of neon yellow and green highlights. Let’s admit, it’s the season for change.
As for what’s next: I wrote about how I’ve looking to vamp up my wardrobe as well. Go a little more femme. Won’t be ditching the boots, but adding a number of skirts and blouses. How I’m going to navigate skirts as a woman who’s thighs touch is a whole other issue! The impending summer heat has me thinking about how to figure out that issue. I’ll also need to dedicate some time in the evening to laying out clothes to wear. Cause I basically get out of bed and grab my pants from where I shed them and go. I think it’s really about just dedicating a little more me time in general. Which I started to do when I broke my ankle. I started with oil cleansing my face and doing a double wash. So washing my face went from one swipe of a wipe to a few minutes of washing with oil and then a soap.
I’d like to try to go a whole month with not wearing all black all the time. Working in colors to break up the head to toe “goth” look. I’m usually pretty heavy handed when it comes to my color play so this could become a technocolor nightmare. I think I’m ok with that. XX
“We just met, and I know I’m a bit too intimate. But something huge is coming up, and we’re both included. It’s takes courage to enjoy it. The hardcore and the gentle.”
I acquired new glasses and got my nails put back on. When I got into the car after having a really nice time with my nail lady, Suzie, Bjork’s Big Time Sensuality came on. It hit. It hit my whole body. It was like having all the heavy nonsense I had been carrying, been hit off of you. Like how armor might be struck off of a hero in battle. An exposure to light that had somehow been missing. Vulnerable? yes. Exposed? yes. Free? Most certainly! I drove around so I could listen to it three times in a row. I sang, car danced, and did not have a single worry.
Somewhere off in the distance there was incense burning, in a back room I didn’t see. But now sitting at my desk I can smell it. It’s wrapped itself in my hair. Every subtle movement releases a memory of last night. A hand hold. A small kiss. A small movement to sit that much closer.
I cut bangs in to my hair on Friday night. I had been wearing these fake bangs for a bit and just decided I was ready to cut them. Kind of part of my upgraded look for 2015, slowly but surely I’m changing the way I look. One of the benefits of the job change over is I can actually dress nice to work. I got really tired of wearing nothing but jeans & shirts. I felt like I had let my personal style go. Now the biggest problem is figuring out what I want to look like exactly. Definitely feeling the want to go more feminine. I’ve been staring at this wonderful image Kevin Wada drew of She-Hulk that I feel like could be me 2.0. Keeping the green of course. If only green skin was possible as well… I might even venture into colors, instead of my usual black 24/7. I have been looking to add a number of casual dresses to my everyday wear. Simple but classic silhouettes. The biggest issue is my shoe wear. Breaking my ankle didn’t help the whole not able to wear or walk in heels thing. It’s weird that I associate being a lady so much with that ability. I just never learned. Walking in heels is one of those things that you have to learn to do. Like whistling. Did my parent’s fail me? WHY CAN’T I WHISTLE OR WALK IN HEELS?!?
Let’s talk about some serious stuff. I’ve been working at Sideshow Collectibles for 10 years. I spent my anniversary laid up in bed, because of my fracture. It was the start of the new year, and I had a lot to think about. I went from humble photographer to photography studio manager. I managed the department, published 3 books, and acquired a staff. I had started to question what next? Where do I go from here? I had some ideas about what I wanted. But was really unsure how to get them or if they were even possible still at Sideshow. I went to breakfast with some friends and our conversation was one in which I declared that “something has to change for me at work in 2015” what I have isn’t enough.
Two days after getting back to work, I met with the CEO. Greg is a great man. A person I have formed a very honest friendship with. He’s a man who gets me and my ideals. While the purpose of the conversation was to catch up, the chat took a change. The conversation went to a place of what’s next, a possible change for me, a potentially scary place. Scary because change, big change is in the works.
So I’m moving departments. Giving up my reign of terror as the Photography Manager and moving up, both figuratively and literally. I start at the bottom of a new ladder, upstairs in the Design Department. A man once my equal is now my boss and I really couldn’t be more pleased. I’m working with some of the best that this industry has to offer with the opportunity to train and learn from them as well. The opportunity that exists for me here is something that I’ve really been wanting, hinting at, asking, sometimes begging to be given a chance. I got it. So I’ll be working as the Design Department Assistant with special duties working in the IP world. I’ve got some big goals I’ve set in front of me.
The Bjork-imidge? Bjork-quest? I dunno, I haven’t gotten that figured out. Chase, Scott, and I ventured to New York to go see Bjork. Plans made prior to my great slip’n’fall. I can tell you I was pleased with my performance in NYC. It’s not a great place to have a broken ankle. It’s cold, so the weather vane is going nuts. It’s constant pain, also lots of walking, especially with a 4 story walk up. That doesn’t help. The trip however was wonderful. I saw Bjork for the first time. Ate some wonderful food. Saw Hedwig with John Cameron Mitchell as Hediwg (my inner gay teenager is still losing his mind.) And I got to spend time with Chase. So ultimately it’s impossible to have a bad time. I really enjoyed myself. Next week I go back to my doctor and potentially get the all clear to go back to work. I’ve missed it.
No one tells you how hard it is to have a broken bone. It’s been overwhelming. I’ve been debilitated and forced to slow down, forced to ask. You don’t realize how helpless you really become. I feel like a bird who’s wings have been clipped. Mentally this has been quite difficult. As a person who rarely asks for help, I’m in constant need of help. It’s hard when you are incredibly independent and are forced with the reality of needing someone to help you constantly.
There has been a benefit though, if it wasn’t for this broken ankle and the universe putting the breaks on me. I wouldn’t have gotten to spend as much time as I have with my family. For the first time in 10 years all 5 members of my family are under the same roof again. If I would have been working, I would have only gotten one night with everyone. It’s a funny reminder that communication with in a family isn’t always the best. But the love with in a family is great. And that I’ve been blessed with some really wonderful people. All of these really intense individuals bonded by blood. Maybe this broken ankle was to anchor me home. Cause I’m truly not sure how much of this will get to happen or how often. I’m thankful 2015 started this way. I’m happy I had an afternoon watching TV with Violette. I’m happy I’ve had a couple nights where my dear sister Carina has taken care of me. And eternally grateful my parents, Cinde & Dad aka The Berto, have been taking such wonderful care of me.
My mom and I have spent more time together in this past month that I ever got to previously. She was the mom who worked immediately after my birth and worked all through my childhood. So this has been really wonderful. I know for sure I’ll look back at this time and be so thankful I broke my ankle. It was a catalyst to get to know my mom better as an adult. I have found out so much about my mother that I had no idea about.